Stephanie Doctolero? “Absent, Ma’am”
By Daniel Tabungar
Portions of the interviews were conducted in Cebuano (Bisaya).
All Cebuano quotes have been translated into English for clarity and length.
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The Burn Out, The Beginning
After graduating as a salutatorian in elementary, Stephanie Doctolero, or “Steph”, almost felt as if all the hard work she had put into her education had burnt her out.
Then, after graduation, Steph moved from her hometown of Placer, Masbate to Bogo, Cebu, where she lived with her grandmother and attended high school. (It’s pronounced “Pla-ser,” not “Play-sir.”)
Although it was a new environment for her, the fact that she was in a new environment kept her going. "The excitement of living alone was still there!" she shared, recalling her enthusiasm from Grade 7.
The people in the school she attended, San Remigio National High School, already knew each other. Steph recalled her teenage struggle, saying it was “literally new kid vibes, even though all of us were supposed to be new kids.” Over time, she adapted to being the new kid, and then eventually made new friends, turning this new life in Bogo into a fresh start.
But just before entering Grade 8, Steph had to relocate to Masbate, but not back to Placer. It was when her sister Sha (short for Sharmaine) was approaching high school; Steph was asked to move to Masbate City since her parents desired her to live with Sha while still attending a high school that surpassed the quality of those available in Placer.
Placer, where Steph grew up, is one of the two municipalities in the Masbate province that does not speak Minasbate, the language of the Masbateños. Instead, the residents of Placer speak Bisaya. She didn’t grow up speaking Minasbate and doesn’t speak the language at all. As a result, She had to deal with being the new kid all over again.
Having already adjusted to the "new kid" life in Cebu, Steph disagreed with the idea of moving back to Masbate. “Of course, I said no because [...] ‘I had already built my life already. I already had a life there [in Bogo]. I already made friends!’ … But then, my mom said that we should move back to Masbate ‘cause they don’t think Sha can handle being away from my parents as she’s sickly,” she shared.
However, Steph never blamed her sister for her moving back to Masbate; she understood the situation despite her protests.
Initially, studying at Masbate National Comprehensive High School went well for Grade 8 Steph because she wanted to blend in with the rest as the new kid in school. But moving back to Masbate would mark the start of a new pattern. “One random day, I decided, ‘Ah, I don't feel like going to school,' so I was absent the whole day,” she shared.
“I was really depressed during high school. It was a really bad phase,” she said. “I wouldn’t attend back in high school.”
By the end of the school year, Steph's grades were not that bad since she only started not attending classes in the later part of the year. However, it was the first time Steph missed out on receiving a medal during her school’s year-end recognition day, when students who excelled in their academics throughout the school year earned acknowledgements and honours. “It was the first time that I felt disappointment from my parents academically.”
Steph has proven that high school lessons were not a challenge for her since every time she took the exams (the only time she would go to school), she would pass. It got to a point where her periodical exam scores were the only ones carrying her grades. “I was shocked I passed Grade 9.”
“Push Through”
One thing about Steph and her sisters is that they’re not the expressive type. “Like, the ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you.’ We don’t even say ‘I love you,’” she shared. With that, Steph’s sisters didn’t show too much concern for their eldest sister’s situation.
“They were just asking what was happening to me, but I couldn’t explain what was happening to me because I didn't even know what was happening to me,” she stated. “They don't bother me. They just let me be.”
Steph’s parents heard about her habit of not attending classes through her friends, and they were not thrilled. Steph's mom berated her for this new habit, and the sermon proved effective. However, the effectiveness was short-lived. Steph went to class for a few days but soon returned to lying around in the apartment she shared with her sister in Masbate City.
Despite the situation, it was never an option for Steph’s parents to tell their daughter to study back in their hometown of Placer. Steph’s dad still believed she could turn things around and improve; he knew Steph just needed more encouragement. She can recall her dad saying things like “Go to school. No matter what. Just push through,” even though she knew the whole situation was already stressing him out.
Steph dreaded those times her parents would visit them in the city, knowing she would have to face them. “You know how many talks I got? […] Imagine: You have to face your parents because you know they’re gonna say something, and they’re gonna ask again and you can’t answer.”
She then shared an instance when she wanted to be isolated to the point that she muted her phone and refused to reply to her classmates, who reached out to her. She doesn’t even know the reason for her self-isolation.
By Grade 10, Steph’s sisters Sha, Sweet, and Anton (short for Antoinette) were living in the city with Steph to study high school. As Steph reflects on this past, she is just grateful her other younger sisters did not witness all of her during those times. At least the sisters living with her were at an appropriate age to understand what was happening, but she could not forgive herself if her young siblings witnessed her high school phase. “I think it was, like, better. At least this is OK because they didn't see that phase of me.”
The eldest child is usually the most looked-up-to child among the siblings. Steph was aware of this. She used to tell herself, “You're the eldest. You're supposed to do this and that.”
But that sort of pressure never came from her parents but more from herself. “It just made me spiral more.”
Trust, A Delicate Thing
As the eldest sibling, however, not much of her freedom was taken away, nor was she expected to be home to manage the household chores or take care of her siblings. “Maybe because of all my lapses during high school, I think I know they can likely live almost without my presence.”
After finishing junior high school, the COVID-19 pandemic came at the perfect time for Steph. It meant that Steph would be back home under her parents’ care in Placer as the entire world went into lockdown. Online classes became the main modality for classes.
Steph’s parents knew Steph was never academically challenged and saw how she was doing well, studying at the University of Santo Tomas - Legazpi for senior high school, despite doing so from home. This was the period when Steph started to earn her parents’ trust back. “They kinda, like—I don't know… forgot? Decided to move past through it?” she said in a confused tone.
“‘OK, enroll,’” Steph recalls her dad saying when she proposed the idea of studying at the University of San Carlos for college, once again asking for their trust for her to study outside their hometown. That’s when Steph knew her parents’ trust had been restored when they allowed her to study outside again.
“Why would you take up political science? You should take up more practical jobs because when you graduate, you have to help your sister. You have to pay for your sisters' education," Steph said, trying to imitate the remarks from her relatives.
As the eldest, Steph was pressured into finishing her education as soon as possible to help her parents pay for her sisters’ education. That meant taking up a more “practical” college program, and they thought political science wasn’t that practical.
But Steph’s dad came to her defence. She passed the application process for Cebu Normal University, and her relatives were so quick to say that she should study there since she got into a state University and, therefore, she pays no tuition. “My dad was like, ‘If you are going to take up Political Science, why not go to a good school? One with quality," she shared what her father told her and her relatives.
Studying Political Science, however, means everyone will ask you, “Will you be proceeding to Law?” Steph knew that. She wanted to take up Political Science since high school, but she asked for assurance from her parents before enrolling. She recalls pestering her dad, “I will not enroll in political science unless you promise to fund my education, even for law school.
“Because if not, I will just take up Psychology or become a teacher. Whatever,” she added, just like how her relatives expected her to continue her family’s legacy of being a family of educators.
You can expect that Steph was sort of pressured to almost be like the standard bearer of her family. That feeling may never go away, but Steph knows it’s all part of being the eldest child. “I love them, but we’re a normal family. I’ll never say that to them,” Steph even joked.
Her Family’s Pride
Steph has lived a good stretch of her life away from home. From high school to college, Steph was never able to call her Placer her home. “Basically, the place I consider to be home is here, in Cebu,” she stated.
She added how she even used to refer to Masbate City as her home and not their hometown of Placer, having studied in the city for four years. Summer vacations, long weekends, and any other special occasion have been the only times Steph is actually home with her family.
Studying in Cebu for more than a year now, Steph has moved past that life of not attending classes since she’s studying something that she’s genuinely interested in now in college.
“My dad says that it’s because I really don’t like the subject, so I didn’t have any will to learn, nothing went into my head. It’s different when I learn, for example, in PolSci. I’m really interested in politics, so I learn something; I absorb the learning,” she said.
Steph now feels like she has fully adjusted to living away from home again, but this time, with an ultimate goal in mind of completing her education to become a lawyer. “I think so far I’m doing well. No signs of… I don’t know.”
“There are always bad times, but I will always be able to recover,” she concluded, knowing that her hard work is enough to make her family proud.
Steph and Daniel conducted an in-person interview on Wednesday, November 22nd, 2023.
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