Carson Go Just Called (To Say "I Love You")
By Mikael Rizada Borres
Quotes have been translated from Cebuano (Bisaya) to English for clarity.
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When it comes to love, Carson Go unconsciously follows the idea of “show, don’t tell.” When asked what he thinks his love language is, Carson mentioned how he favours spending quality time with the people he cares for. “It is my way of telling people. ‘Oh, I spared some time to meet you, and that’s a few hours of my day. That’s because I love you,’” said Carson.
Carson may prefer to show his love instead of saying it. Not only does he hesitate to tell people he loves them, but he also cannot bring himself to express his love for others in words. He considers this inability to communicate his feelings verbally as one of his “red flags.”
To utter the words ‘I love you’ is a struggle for Carson Go. “I feel like it’s cringy when I do say it,” said Carson, then sharing how he squirms when hearing phrases like ‘I miss you’ and ‘I love you.’ He holds an aversion to receiving long sentimental text messages. When confronted by such messages, he dismisses the sender for what Carson perceives as corny emotionalism.
“I’m not used to telling people how much I love them,” he confessed. “I’m not used to showing affection.”
Carson’s Chinese Family
Carson belongs to a proud Chinese-Filipino family whose fortunes began with the hard work of his laundrywoman grandmother on his father’s side and her husband. They moved from Fujian, China, in 1932 to the Philippines for greener pastures. His grandparents landed and resided in Manila, but moved to Cebu to get the level of income they wanted and could not achieve in the capital.
His father’s side, including Carson and his siblings, lived on the second floor of a temple owned by the Liong Tek Go Family Association. The association aims to support and connect Go families in the Philippines, providing educational benefits and financial assistance to its members.
Through the hustle of his grandmother, father and uncles, the family moved to a rented apartment building in Mandaue, then to a rented house in Banawa (“for the longest time,” Carson said), and finally, to a home they now consider as their permanent home. “I can see the fulfillment in my dad’s eyes,” Carson recalled.
Although hard work and perseverance are not exclusively Chinese or Go values, they sit atop the pinnacle of what it means to be Chinese and a Go. Carson’s father often reminds his children of the ordeals their family traversed through to live in relative comfort. “He always reminds me to not take what I have for granted,” Carson said of his father. “That’s also my reminder [to myself], that I have to stay on the ground, be down to earth. I have to remember too that our money came from the hard work of my dad. [...] His love language is also towards my mom and us is to provide.”
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Until the passing of his grandparents, Carson and the other members of the Go Clan adhered to the strict rules of marrying only those of Chinese descent and wearing clothes that were red or symbolized good luck.
In recent times, the rigidity of the rules has waned. Carson’s parents now seem to allow him and his siblings to date people from other cultural backgrounds. Nevertheless, old customs remain to be observed. “My dad is pretty conservative. So, for example, if I wear orange, if I wear pink, it’s too bright for him.” Moreover, the family is supposed to refrain from wearing black, a colour the Chinese believe symbolizes death (although Carson skirts the rule and continues to wear black).
Carson’s parents are also “strict” in terms of the people he surrounds himself with, wanting to take note of who they are and what they do with their son. “Even with a friend group, they have to know the friend group,” he explained, “but they don’t know all of my friend groups,” he added with a chuckle.
Beyond those long-established superstitions and conventions, Carson takes pride in his Chinese lineage, gravitating towards the familiar culture, history, and values his family nurtured around him.
“If I’m asked what my comfort food is, what my traditions are, it always goes back to being Chinese, not really more on the Filipino side because that’s really what my parents emphasized. So that’s really where my comfort is, it comes naturally to me [being Chinese].”
Do You Love Me?
A cardinal cliché about the Chinese people revolves around their suppression of emotions. It’s been subjected to scientific scrutiny, with previous research suggesting that Chinese parents may “express lower levels of overt warmth.” Certainly, the verdict on the idea remains far from reachable; moreover, the chliché, unless proven once and for all, will remain a generalization that does not capture the entirety of the Chinese experience or recognize the uniqueness of every Chinese person and their story.
However, anecdotal accounts by those who identify as Chinese communities suggest the cliché to be based on the truth, recalling how their culture forces them to conceal how they feel within. Medium user-writer Cheukie recounts the difficulty of saying “I love you” to her father and the anxiety she had whilst waiting for his response. “‘Okay okay, good girl,’” Cheukie’s father said. “Dad nodded his head and patted me on my back as a sign of acknowledging what I just told him.”
“Coming from Hong Kong, my parents were no different than other Chinese parents, where showing emotions wasn’t encouraged in the family,” Cheukie writes in her Medium story. “Rooted in the hierarchy system, the act of showing respect and honoring our parents and elders is a core value of our culture. My younger self was scared of disrespecting my parents, whether it’d be with a single word or a gaze in the eye.”
Carson admits to having moments of comparing what other families have to what his family lacks — which is the capacity to convey their love for each other. “On some days, it’s like I feel, ‘Oh, I’m Chinese!’ It’s like I feel good about being Chinese. But other days, it’s like, ‘Why can't I have a family like them?’ For example, when I compare my family to Filipino families, I see that they really bond, they say ‘I love you,’ and they say ‘sorry.’
“My parents never say ‘sorry’!” Carson exclaimed. “They never say ‘I love you! They don’t accept kisses… except my mom. On some days, my mom likes kisses. But my dad? No.”
How do Carson’s parents show love? Carson replied: “Through material things, sadly.” Instead of his parents giving him a simple apology when the need arises, they prefer to show remorse by buying him the things he wants to have.
He sometimes appreciates his parents remembering what he wants and giving those things to him as their apology gifts. But at times, all he desires is to hear the words “I am sorry” and not a substitute for their apology. “Didn’t we just fight?” and “Why are you suddenly buying me something?” are questions he asks his parents whenever they give him an apology gift.
When an apology is expected from his parents, they do meet the expectation, but just at the bare minimum. In many instances, they say sorry after Carson calls them out for not admitting their fault. His parents are also in the process of understanding the importance of apologizing and taking time to ease into the mindset. “It seems forced, but I think they have to be forced because they’re not used to it. It’s as if it’s not their first thought to think, ‘Oh, I should apologize to my child.”
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I asked Carson, “When was the last time your dad or mom said ‘I love you’?”
“Hoo!” Carson let out. “I can’t remember… through chat, for sure.”
“Do you want them to say, ‘I love you?’’
“Yeah, of course! What child doesn’t want that?”
“How much [would] it mean to you if they said ‘I love you’?”
Carson pondered, then said, “It doesn’t mean much unless it is, like… a great moment like… they tell me they’re proud of me,” Moments of them being proud would make him say “Woah!”, he remarked.
“And that doesn’t happen often,” I assumed. Carson affirmed my assumption by repeating what I had just said to him.
“I’ve experienced, in high school, I got a 98% [grade average] for a certain quarter. In the report card, that means you get the highest honours, which you get if you have an average of 98 to 100, and I got a 98.”
“‘Why isn’t this a 99?’” Carson quoted his father.
When asked how he felt when he heard that response, he said that he went “blank,” but then replied to his father that he’d strive for that 99 or even the perfect mark. But, unfortunately for Carson and his father, the son would never reach a grade above 98 ever since.
On the one hand, the absence of stupendous glee from his father over a 98% grade average motivated him to make that reach. On the other hand, the pressure he bore was part of the experience of his mission to please his parents through what he thought was the only method, which was excelling in his academics. “Others say that scores don’t really define you. To me, [grades] really did because I guess that was the way to make my parents proud.”
It’s The Tough Love
Telling someone “I love you” without saying those words is possible. Spending quality time with someone, offering affirmative hugs and physical warmth, performing tasks to make someone’s life easier, and sharing the bounties of life – all these are valid ways to utter the three words without spelling any letters in the alphabet.
It’s even possible to do those non-verbal ways of saying “I love you” with a frowning demeanour. They call it “tough love,” often manifested when one acts austere to guide another person towards a better path. The one practicing tough love may come off as aloof or cruel, but those who give such kind of love would believe that they are acting with the other person’s interest in mind.
Carson would say that his mother gave him tough love, at least back in his childhood. He surmises that his mother receiving tough love when she was a child led her to believe she needed to impart the same treatment to her children. “Growing up she had to have this strict persona towards us so we wouldn’t rebel, so that we would always stay close to her. It’s like if we don’t stay close to her, we will get punished. That’s a Chinese tradition that you have to be really family-oriented.”
Over time though, as her children mature, she lets her hard shell get cracked, letting his son and two daughters see her in sometimes her most vulnerable moments. “As I grew older, especially during the start of my college years, I saw how sensitive she was, and I knew I had to take care of my mom.” Carsons shared how she makes “a joke out of everything” and “cares for us to the point that she cries for us.” Although she may never say the words her son wants to hear, Carson can see and know that in her ways, she loves him.
Prologue: I Just Called To Say I Love You
“The next question is a dare,” I prefaced before asking my question. “You kno–”
“Oh, my God!” Carson interjected.
“You know the song, “I Just Called To Say I Love You”?
“Oh, my God!” Carson exclaimed again.
“Call someone and say you love them.”
“OK,” said Carson before scrolling through the contact list on his phone.
“Who should it be?!” Carson asked himself while thinking of the right person to call. In the meantime, to pass the time Carson spent looking for a name, I sang the chorus of “I Just Called To Say I Love You” on repeat.
“If I call my parents, they’re gonna think I’m drunk,” Carson told me. But he decided to call his mother anyway. “Alright! Oh, well,” he said.
“Oh, my God! Wait,” Carson hesitated again.
“I’m just giving you the prompts,” I replied. “I’m like a… an English professor.”
Carson stayed quiet for only three seconds to think about whether to call his mother or not, prompting me to ask him why he felt reluctant to call her. “I’m not saying you have to,” I assured Carson, “but what’s with the hesitation?”
I continued: “Will they really think that you’re just fooling around?”
“No, they won’t think I’m fooling around,” Carson answered. “They will…” he hesitated again. “It’s… It’s not something I say, you know?”
“Yeah. Fair enough.”
“I mean, other people might say, ‘Oh, that’s so easy,’ but it’s not easy for me.”
“What would their reaction if you say–”
Before I finished my question, Carson’s phone started to ring. “You will know the reaction,” he responded to my incomplete question.
For about eight seconds, the phone rang. His mom did pick up the call.
“Mama,” Carson greeted.
“Oh,” his mom answered.
“I love you!” he said like he had springs in his steps.
Two seconds passed. “I know what’s up,” Carson’s mom said. “You want something from me. What do you want?”
Carson chuckled as she spoke. “Nothing, actually,” he said as he continued to laugh. “I love you!”
“What do you want?!” his mom quipped.
“It’s nothing, really! I’ll be going home in a while.”
“Right. Go home!”
“Alright. Bye.”
“OK.”
“No ‘I love you, too’?!”
“Love you!” his mother answered, and Carson laughed one more time. “Buh-bye!”
“Alright. Buh-bye, Ma!” Carson said before ending the call, then giggled with me.
“So what’s the phrase you used? ‘Fooling around’?” I reminded Carson.
“Yeah, ‘fooling around,’” Carson replied. “See? It doesn’t come naturally to us. It’d be worse if I called my dad. Never mind, I think I’ll get scolded!”
“Really? You think that’ll happen?”
“Yeah.”
“You’ll be like, ‘Hi, Dad. Love you!’”
This is what Carson thinks his father’s response would be: Are you on drugs?
Carson and Mikael conducted an in-person interview on Monday, July 3rd, 2023.
Recommended Song: I Just Called To Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder
