Stan And Hannah (And Kael): Are The Middle Children Enough For You?
Portions of the interviews were conducted in Cebuano (Bisaya).
All Cebuano quotes have been translated into English for clarity and length.
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An Introduction From Kael
The eldest in a line-up of siblings would cry foul at the supposed expectations placed on them by their parents, having to handle the pressure to be a paragon of virtue for their younger brothers and sisters. The youngest in a line-up of siblings would kick up a stink about the need to shield them against all evil until the global supply of bubble wrap runs out, protesting society’s assumptions of the youngest child being spoiled and self-centred.
I’m not in a position to invalidate the feelings of the youngest and eldest children of the world. I would even argue that the stereotypes about where a child is in the pecking order of siblings are true. Maybe my older sister possesses a rebellious psyche because of the years of my mother scolding her for every mistake she made. Maybe my younger sister started to work during her teenage years, plating salad bowls and slicing sushi rolls at the back of restaurant kitchens because of the millions of times I kept counting all the gifts she received from my father (for no good reason, I thought).
My older sister wanted to be free; my younger sister wanted to be respected. If only younger Kael knew these truths, I wouldn’t have been so critical of my older sister staying out all night to party with her friends, nor would I have been so upset with my younger sibling getting the newest phones before me.
But younger Kael felt and thought some things that still resonate with current Kael. It is a feeling of resentment. It is a feeling that reads: Even if my sisters were scrutinized until the cows came home, they had it better because they were seen. Was I seen? I sometimes didn’t think so.
For the longest time, I set my sights on being the smartest, the funniest, the most beloved student in a classroom, the least expensive item on my parents’ budget, and any other good thing I could be in the eyes of my insatiable mother and inattentive father. Yet, even with everything I tried to become what I thought my parents wanted me to become, I thought it was never enough for them. My mother favoured my older sister for being the firstborn. On the other hand, my father adored my younger sister since she got the rugged boyishness I never had.
Being the middle child among us siblings forced me to accept the possibility that I may sometimes feel forgotten. Perhaps I was not and never will be ignored by my parents, but the feeling was and may always be there. Are these sentiments irrational? Hyperbolic? Selfish? Who can say?
But I, a middle child, can say this: to this day, I think and feel all these things.
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Stan Taylaran Is (Stuck) In The Middle
When I asked one of Stan Matthew Taylaran’s college batchmates what he thought of Stan Taylaran, the label “crush ng bayan” (crush of the town) first came to his mind. He then enumerated all of what Stan has achieved: a University of San Carlos (USC) Excellence Award in honour of his student leadership and service, the presidency of USC’s School of Health Care Professions (SHCP) Council, and the highest grades of any third-year student attending the SHCP during the 2022-23 academic year.
The batchmate then listed every complimenting adjective one can say about a person to describe Stan’s personality. His looks, humour, dedication, intellect, kindness – nothing about Stan was left untouched by this batchmate’s adoration. He made Stan made out to be this soon-to-be-pharmacist whose entire being is worth throwing my underwear at.
Stan Taylaran’s got his own ‘stans,’ with that batchmate being a prime example. Perchance someone does not consider themself a Stan Taylaran ‘stan,’ they are probably one of the many colleagues or friends who would give the most glowing reviews of him, which would probably be more subdued than what that one batchmate opined of Stan.
Everyone knows Stan; everyone likes Stan. It wouldn’t be a stretch to suggest he is everyone’s friend. Stan, who hates conflict, likes to keep it that way. But if a fight breaks out, he assumes the moderator role. Conflicts in his life don’t occur daily, but he answers the call for him to save the day in the name of harmony. “I’m anti-conflict,” said Stan, who then failed to recall the last time he fought with someone. “It’s easier to just stay silent. [Fewer] problems. I don't know, I don’t like starting [a] commotion.”
He does not use his spare time to contemplate why he often becomes the moderator. It doesn’t help that he keeps his schedule and mind packed, leaving little time to think about his past to discover the roots of his humanity. But he does suspect his family life in the middle, the second child of four siblings, led to his natural insistence to keep the peace.
He and his other younger sister – the second child and third child, respectively – are placed in this awkward position of not being favoured by parent-like figures. “For a time, [my siblings and I] lived with my paternal grandparents. And then my grandfather, his favourite was my eldest brother because my grandfather was the eldest child of his family as well. So my brother was at home there. And then my grandmother really had my youngest sister as my sibling since my grandmother was also the youngest in her family.”
There were “a lot of times” when he regretted being neither the eldest nor the youngest. “I don’t know if you can relate to this, but it’s like sometimes, you’re ‘not there,’” Stan said. When asked about the relationship between his family life and his moderating, he said that the sheer fact he is neither the first nor the last to be born positioned him as the natural peacemaker within his family. “Because you and I [the middle children] are in the middle, who else would it be?!” Stan joked.
Stan can recall moments when he wanted to air out what angers or saddens him. But he sticks to what he knows best, being the mediator. And to be that mediator, he pushes down his frustrations to alleviate other people’s frustrations. “[To be honest], it’s more okay for me to be in this position than to be the one fighting. The rest of you can be the ones who make the fights,” he said.
For better or for worse, Stan finds himself unconsciously coping while keeping his emotions bottled within him. As he hesitates to share his feelings with others, he talks to himself, mapping out made-up scenarios in his head and figuring out how he would fare. He often pours his heart out in private by writing in a journal, which he will be “safeguarding” now and for the foreseeable future.
To that end, Stan finds it laughable at his inability to express how he frankly feels despite being the former USC Supreme Student Council’s Undersecretary for Communications. “What a clown,” he said about himself. On times when Stan could take the opportunity to vent out valid annoyance over his responsibilities, he doesn’t. On chances when he could lash out over the suspects who prop up his stresses, he refuses to do so.
But as he reflects on his youth and how he handles his predicament, he finds comfort in the idea that his middle-child sensibilities now serve as the impetus of his profound mindset that prefers stability and compassion. “I claim to be more mature for my age. My older brother and I have a one-year [age] gap, but I really feel I’m more mature. I don’t know why. When we were kids, he really was a kid. I was more of a deep thinker, and I see through people. I would assess situations where if there is a certain kind of person and I get mad at that person, I don’t get settled with just getting mad at them. I try to understand him, asking, ‘What kind of person are they?’”
“If I compare myself to my friends who are within the same age range as me, I’m relatively more mature in thinking; I’m a deep thinker. If I would compare myself to my older brother before – now, it seems like my brother matured – but before, it seemed like what was on my brother’s mind was about playing with his friends. I would get mad [at him]. I would think ‘Does he care as much, or am I too hard on him?’ Maybe he was pressured deep inside because he was the eldest, and maybe that’s why he rebelled.
“But see? The fact that I would try to assess and understand him makes me say I’m mature. But of course, I can’t be like the ‘know-it-all’ from the start. But I can’t be a know-it-all. There was really a point where I was immature. I feel like maturity is accumulated.”
Stan and Mikael conducted the interview through Zoom on Thursday, January 12, 2023.
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Hannah Talisaysay’s Case Of Middle Child Syndrome
Starting in the second grade, Hannah Mae Talisaysay put herself in front of the pack and led others in school and her extracurricular organizations. She got to be part of several student councils like the University of San Carlos Supreme Student Council (USC SSC) and her university’s industrial engineering department council. Nowadays, after graduating Cum Laude from USC with a bachelor’s degree in industrial engineering, she continues to co-lead her local Youths for Christ group whilst starting her career in the software industry.
She plays by the book well and makes the right moves to be, do, sound, and look good. However, she thinks that even with all the right moves, it never leads to her parents appreciating her for what she has accomplished. This is the source of many of Hannah’s sad days.
“When was the last time you cried?” I asked Hannah on a Monday.
“I think was the days before Friday – maybe Wednesday or Thursday – I guess those ‘middle child things’ hit me yet again,” she replied.
Hannah often gets “hit” by symptoms of middle-child syndrome, which signifies middle children being “excluded, ignored, or even outright neglected because of their birth order.” When asked who she thinks are her parents’ favourite children, she assumes that it’s anyone but her – a known symptom. “My mom’s favourites are my brother and sister, and my dad’s favourite is probably my brother.”
By her accounts, she lives with the curse of being in the middle. As she described to me the dynamics and relationship between the three Talisaysyay siblings, she pointed out the clear differences in how each of them got treated by their parents. Her younger sister “was so favoured. Everything she wants, she really gets,” said Hannah, “while the second child gets the second-hand stuff.”
Feeling middle child syndrome exists within oneself when one thinks another sibling overshadows, if not eclipses them. While Hannah does find herself at junctures when her envy for her sisters heightens in reaction to the inequity in treatment, she senses the chills from standing in the shadows of her older brother, who she always gets compared to by her parents and those who know them both. “My brother is two years older than me, and he’s made a name for himself because he was a councilor [of the USC Supreme Student Council (SSC)] before. Then, if your brother, the next sibling gets pressured,” said Hannah, who followed in her brother’s footsteps and also became a USC SSC councilor.
She wants to be proud of her siblings. Sings her praises of their charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent whenever she has the chance, calling her younger sister “intelligent” and regarding her older brother as her “mentor” and someone she looks up to for inspiration.
But she can’t help but think about what their excellence means for how others view her. Of course, she wants to be the favourite – to be noticed, to be recognized. But how does she become the favourite in the midst of the presence of siblings who she thinks get more than her?
Does Hannah get jealous of how her sister gets treated? “Honestly, of course, I get jealous because I’m the next in line after the eldest but she gets what she wants,” she answered. “But I keep it to myself. I don’t want to fuss over it because I’ve slowly started to accept that I’m the child that thinks, ‘Settle for it.’”
“Why do you need to accept that ‘reality,’ that ‘fact of life,’ wherein you are not the favourite?” I asked.
Hannah replied: “There are times when it’s very evident – like during family gatherings or get-togethers with all five of us [in the family] – when the ‘middle child’ feelings come out, and my parents don’t realize it. My parents wouldn’t realize that they were making me feel like I was just the middle child. Those are the times when I have to accept the idea of not thinking about those times and the feeling because [those thoughts] and that issue is very personal and it’s very painful.
“Ever since I was a kid, it’s [been] an issue for me and it’s hard because when I was a kid, growing up, my leadership moments started when I was in Grade Two,” Hannah described as her voice tightened ever-so-slightly. “Ever since Grade Two until I reached college, it’s always there, leadership was always there. People know me as a leader.”
Hannah’s voice started to shake ever-so-slightly too while her eyes began to water. “But when I reach home, [my leadership] is not something to be celebrated because maybe [my] parents wanted the kids who are bright, and I’m not that. I guess I got bright in college and in senior high school – that’s when I started to work hard because it wasn’t enough to be a leader.”
At this point in her life, she tries to accept that she’ll never be her parent’s favourite to stop herself from crying.
The desire to get to grips with a perceived reality to cope with their inner feelings would be the most symptom of the difficult middle child syndrome to address. Even if the middle child attains the highest goals and secures the greatest winnings, doubts would still creep into their psyche and force them to recall the notion of their parents not giving the middle child the love they deserve. That’s what happens to Hannah Mae Talisaysay.
But Hannah keeps going, living with her middle-child syndrome. In the ongoing struggle against the feelings within, she finds ways to confront them while comforting herself. If she cannot get validation from her parents, she hopes her existence is worth validation by those who choose to love her, like her friends, classmates, and significant others. If she contemplates the inequalities within her family, she reminds herself of the perks that come with being the middle child, like having a judicious and fair mind, as well as being able to foster good relationships of many kinds. If comparisons between herself and her brother arise, she refuses to be satisfied with thinking that way and always works hard to make a name independent from the imagery of her brother.
Her ways to cope are never fool-proof, and she is aware of that fact when she notes how it gets hard to share about her middle-child syndrome because “not a lot of people can understand or empathize” with her because they are not middle children like her. Nevertheless, the beat goes on, and it probably will be for a long time.
But with what she has learned throughout the years, what can Hannah say to those just like her? Well, it’s more so of sharing the idea of accepting the raw emotions that may be heartbreaking but pivotal to their story. “Issues [like being a middle child] aren’t overrated, but when you realize it, you’d think, “Ah, it's an issue.” And you didn’t know about it because people tend to be too focused on themselves, never getting to know that there are children who are experiencing this. I think it's important because when you have friends like this, it’s crucial to know what to say to them instead of just shrugging them off,” she said.
“I want people to know that there are children out there that are having a hard time being a middle child because there really are a lot of people who don’t know about it.”
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Hannah and Mikael conducted the interview in-person on Sunday, January 8, 2023.
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